Friday, 15 July 2011

Welcome to Linda Ikeji's Blog: Photos of Titi Omozojie's mutilated body

Welcome to Linda Ikeji's Blog: Photos of Titi Omozojie's mutilated body: " These pictures are very disturbing and I am sorry I had to bring them to you, but you guys need to see what that monster Akolade did to hi..."

Thursday, 14 July 2011

7 things I miss doing; Now that technology has taken over

1. Letters: I miss the days of writing letters. Those days you had to write your friend or loved one, it would take weeks to get to the person; sometimes they were never even delivered. The funniest one was if you had to write your friend or loved one who lived in the US or UK, that took about 3 months or so, and then before you received the person’s reply, it would be another 3 months.

If you were in the boarding house like me, it was BIG deal to receive a letter. It meant you were special.

The best were the love letters. How I used to love getting them nice love letters, especially if it was from a toaster I liked. I would read them over and over again and then keep them safely stuffed somewhere. Again, if you were in a boarding school like me, it was big deal if the letters were ever found by nosy friends. In my school then, those chics would read them in front of the whole class and people would either jeer at you, or secretly wish they were you.

I miss those days, when we used to ‘tap’ people’s stamps, so we could use them to write letters. We even used to go as far as trying to re-use old stamps. We would carefully use an eraser to wipe out the black marks on the stamp; and trust good old NIPOST, those letters never got delivered.

2. Birthday Cards: I don’t remember the last time someone sent me a card for my birthday. Thanks to text messages, and phone calls, those gestures have gone extinct. Now, with facebook? Forget it. And don’t flatter yourself by thinking that your friends all remembered your birthday. If not for facebook birthday notifications, trust me, you wouldn’t have been such a celebrity on your birthday. I really really miss birthday cards and those days i used to just spread them out on my dressing table, or hang them in my room, then when the month was over, i would keep them somewhere safe so that my friends could see them when they came over.

3. The days of “no-cell phones”: Believe it or not, there were times we had no cell phones. Those days that you could set out to visit a friend without knowing if he or she was in town. Sometimes you would wait at the person’s house for hours, without knowing that he or she was just next door.

It was worse when you travelled all the way from the east to visit your friend or relative in Lagos, only to find out that they had moved house, or that they travelled.Those days were sweet believe me.

Now with GSM, we know this can never happen, but still, we miss those days

4.Making international calls through NITEL

Do you remember the time we used to depend on NITEL for our international calls? Those days if you ever ventured to use your NITEL line at home to make international calls, your parents would hear “nwi”. The NITEL bill for that month would be enough to pay school fees for you and all your siblings for a term and your father would still have change to buy your mother a new wrapper.

If you wanted to make an international call, you had to go to NITEL, and buy a call card of ‘God knows how much”. This call card entitled you to about 4 to 5 minutes of airtime. Then, you had to stand on one long queue, longer than a traditional BRT queue from Oshodi to CMS on a Monday morning. And then when it got to your turn, you had to speak, and then wait for the person on the other side to hear it, before you could now speak again. Tough one I tell you, but I do miss those days all the same.

5. Making Local Calls with NITEL

Who remembers this line: “ All trunks are busy, please call again later”, and then the dial tone would be gone. Those were the days of land lines. And mind you, not all of us had land lines. Some of us used to go to our neighbor’s houses/ offices, or father’s offices to receive phone calls. Then, your caller would call and someone would come to the house to tell you when next the caller would call again. And then, you would abandon any prior plans and go to venue of the call to sit by the phone.

If you had mischievous people around you, they would use another phone within the house and tap your phone calls. Funny what we put up with, but I loved it.

6. The days of Tally Banking

There was a time visiting the bank was a whole day’s job. If you ever had cause to visit a bank, it would be good not to make any other plans for that day. The Banking halls were always filled with an average of 30-100 people ( I might be exaggerating here). You would be given a tally and then you would wait for the whole day for your turn. Most times, your turn would come just as the cashier wanted to go for lunch; and that lunch usually took hours. By the time you finished from the bank, you would be hungry and very very tired.

7. The Type writer:

I don’t remember the last time I saw any of those noise makers of those days; the type writer. Where if you finished typing a line, you had to shift it back. Those of us who studied Business studies during our J.S.S days had to learn how to use it. Woe betide you if you made a mistake. You had to look for Tipex to clean it off, or you would start all over again. Then if you wanted to make more copies, you would place a carbon paper underneath your paper and put another paper. Most times they never came out clear. But we loved them all the same

The last time i tried to use a typewriter, my wrists nearly broke from punching those keys so hard.

We're so used to the computer now, but i still miss the things of old

There are so many more that i don't remember, but i do miss those days a great deal. i'm sure you miss them too

My unpredictable Girlfriend...Read and drop your honest heart felt genuine comments

This is a true life story, and the young man is in dire need of answers..

My girlfriend Dupe and I started dating a little over two years ago.

I already knew about her before we began to date;the whole town knew about her. Dupe is the average, modern, rich classy young woman; ambitious, beautiful, sassy, classy, with all the pomp and pagenatry that comes with class.

I on the other hand, am just an ordinary fellow. With lots of dreams, basically, still coming up.

I used to believe a lot in myself before I met Dupe. Everyone loved me, everyone thought I was nice, bright , caring and all, and everyone felt I would make any girl the best husband on earth. i thought so too, but that was before; not now. .

The first day I met Dupe, i directly approached her and told her that i wanted to date her. She was surprised that i was that direct, but some how, within a space of one month, we began to seriously date.

At first i was really happy. She made me believe a lot in myself; she was eager to let me into her life and she told me a whole lot about herself. We were happy and we had lots of laughter.

But within a space of 4 months everything changed. Dupe became cold and very abusive. She would pick the slightest fault in anything I did. Nothing i did was ever good enough. If it was not my style of driving, it was the way I wore my tie, or the color of T-shirt I had on. Very little things that i considered irrelevant.More surprising was the fact that sometimes, just sometimes, she would hug me and tell me how nice I was, and how very caring and selfless I was. Those little moments made me happy, but they didn't last. In fact, sometimes, i wondered if it was the same woman who praised me in that manner, that also criticized me like no one else had ever done. It really feels like a ride on a roller coaster.

I tried as much as possible to be the proper boyfriend. i try to be there for her, to listen to her when she's down, and all those nice things, we've been taught to do as gentlemen. Sometimes she notices, some times she doesn't. The few times she does, she just compliments me so much that I almost start to think of her as nice;almost. And then sometimes, she would quietly ask me if i thought she was mean. Those times, i would tell her my mind, and then I would be optimistic that things would change. They actually did, but just for a while.

One year into the relationship, she called me one day and told me that she wasn't happy, and that she had considered breaking up. Because I loved her, I begged her to stay. i told her that we could work things out and that i was ready to work on my faults. she seemed satisfied and we went back to our usual roller coaster. What agonizes me most is that Dupe is also this nasty to all her friends and family, but they seem to be okay with her capriciousness. it just makes me wonder if I am the one who is actually not tolerant, or maybe she's not as nasty as I make her appear

However, things took a different turn last month when i met Kemi. Kemi is a colleague whom I've known for a while and we've become good friends. But lately, I started to notice her beauty, and the fact that she's polite and nice to talk with and all that. I have only known Kemi for about three months, so i honestly can't say that I know her too deeply. Kemi on the other hand, is also attracted to me, and one day, while we had lunch together, she bluntly told me that and also told me that if given a chance, would like to date me

Now here's our hurdle. I made up my mind to leave Dupe and my plan was that we would break up by next month. I also indicated to Kemi that I wanted to take the chance and start a new relationship with her. This plan looked beautiful till yesterday.

Before now, i had this nice plot of land that i desperately wanted to buy. the price was a bit on the high and I had sought for a loan from my bank to buy it to no avail. And alas, Dupe told me yesterday, that she came up with some money and wanted to buy the land for me.

Gentlemen and Ladies, this is my challenge. Do I allow Dupe to pay for this land, only to break up with her by next month, or do I reject the offer, and start a new relationship with Kemi who I barely know?

Your answers will be very helpful

Agreement before Sex; i picked this up from a friend's page and decided to share. very funny

Agreement b4 SEX

I_______________________, the undersigned female partner

(herein referred to as the "screwee"), about to enjoy sexual intercourse

with _______________ (hereafter referred to as the "screwer"), hereby declare as follows:

1. THAT I am above the lawful age of consent.

2. THAT I am not under the influence of any narcotic substance(s).

3. THAT the aforementioned screwer did not use any force, threats, coercion or promises to influence me.

4. THAT I, the screwee, am in no fear of him whatsoever.


5. THAT I do not expect or wish to marry him

6. THAT I do not know if he is married or not and I do not care.

7. THAT I am neither asleep nor drunk

8. THAT I am entering this relationship with him because I love it and want it as much as he does.

9. THAT in the event that I receive full and 'delicious' satisfaction, which I expect, declare in advance, the capacity and willingness for further participation as soon as time permits.

10. THAT I will not act as a witness against him nor will I file charges against him in the event that:

10.1 I contract a sexual disease

10.2 I fall pregnant

10.3. I feel that he is violating any legislation - moral, legal or otherwise.


(YEAR) ___________ AT ___________________

Signature of screwee : ______________

Please fill the above form and return to me before friday night

Facts to make you know that you're now old

I got this from one of those Blackberry broadcasts and made a few additions too. Have a good read:

1. Windows XP was released TEN years ago, in 2001.

2. The “new” Millennium is more than a decade old.

3. Pierce Brosnan last acted as James Bond 9 years ago.

4. It’s been 10 years since 9/11

5. The Matrix came out 12 years ago, Keanu Reeves is 46 today

6. Mother Theresa and Lady Diana have been dead for 14 years.

7. Macaulay Culkin is 30 today. “Home Alone” came out over 20 years ago.

8. Terminator 2 is 20 years old. Edward Furlong who portrayed kid John Connor is 33 now.

9. Sean Connery is 80 years old and retired.

10. The youngest Spice Girl is 35, the oldest Backstreet Boy 39, Gwen Stefani is 41, Madonna 52and Oh, the sultry actress, Sharon Stone is now 53 years old

11. The first Harry Potter book came out 14 years ago!

12. The first season of F.R.I.E.N.D.S was aired 17 years ago!

13. ‘Kids’ born in 1993 can legally drive, drink and vote this year.In case you don't remember, that's the year Toni Braxton released her hit song "Breathe Again"

14. Jurassic Park is older than Justin Bieber.

15. Bryan Adams’ cult song “Summer of 69″ was released 26 years ago.

16. Kids whom you remember in their diapers posting their pics on Facebook.

17. Facebook has been around for 7 years.

18. Tupac Shakur has been dead for 15 years,and guess what? he's really dead.

19. Puff Daddy and Jlo's relationship ended 11 years ago

20.Gen Sani Abacha died 13 years ago

21. Arnold Schwarzenegger will be 64 Years old in July. The movie, Total recall was acted 21 years ago; Sylvester Stallone will be 65 years in July, Rambo, First Blood part 1 was acted 29 years ago.

22. The Indian Movie, Amar Akbar Anthony, was released in 1979, 32 years ago

23. Sisquo's Thong Song was released 12 years ago, Unleash the dragon was released 11 years ago. Shaggy's "It wasnt me" was released 10 years ago.

So when J.lo says " its a new generation of party people " she is NOT referring to u

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Thursday, 7 July 2011

The Encounter.

I met him sitting at the corner of the  bus park;in bathroom slippers

He packed his wares beside him, and by 'wares' I speak of a pack of plantain chips. Honestly if I summed them all up,and sold them all, the money I would get from the sale would not be enough to buy my makeup.

I watched him bring out his N50 scotched egg.That was all he had for breakfast.He made the sign of the cross and prayed over it,like it was some princely breakfast.

He could not have been more than 12 years old,it was a Monday morning,everyone else was at school

Instead all he had was his bag of Plantain chips,the large rosary bead on his neck and the heat rashes on his skin.

My heart went out to him. Slowly, and unsure of how he would react, I walked up to him and handed him a  N500 note from my wallet. I could tell that it looked like a million dollars to him. With a shy smile, he said thank you, and then got up to show the money to  his older brother,(I assumed so), sitting at a corner, not far from him.I could tell he sought permission to spend the money.

I was a bit scared myself .(This is Lagos, and no one helps strangers without an ulterior motive).My eyes begged not to be misread. I remembered the ankle chain on my left ankle and prayed that they would not think I was some  agent of mermaid spirits looking for whom to initiate into some devilish coven. In our part of the world,that's the way people think..

Sometimes I like to pretend that these people are not there.But they're everywhere,especially in the marketplace and at the bus parks;

Children sprawling on the floor,with dirty bodies, dirty clothes,  hair made bald by ringworm;
Others loitered at the bus parks, being mentored by bus conductors and bus drivers.Soon they would grow up to be like them

By age 40,they would be washed out,by weed , dry gin loose women and poor food.Some of them would take to the high way,with cold blooded eyes and not a care in the world.

The mothers,shabby and unkempt,had yellow teeth and skin shriveled by the sun,or local coarse skin-bleaching creams. Ignorance and poverty turned them into shadows of  what they might have been in the past.

Their fathers,(if they ever existed)  would have given up on life.With large eye glasses,torn bibles, washed out clothes, bitter hearts and numerous ailments.Having spent their lives dreaming and hoping that someday, things would get better,only to realize one day that the life was almost over.

Yet I relax and dream of millions;ogling at pictures of Mark Zuckerberg and Warren Buffet and Oprah Winfrey.Watching Kimora Lee Simmons and all the Kadarshian vanities ;ogling at their fancy designer clothes, shoes and bags; or dreaming (like I love to do), about one day when I would live in one of  those big mansions that I always fantasized about; Food and clothing were no longer a problem to me.I had so much to eat that I sought ways to get them out of my system.So I drank spicy teas with tasteless milk and sweeteners. In the evenings I would go the gym and seek for ways to sweat. That way, I could get rid of all the food I had consumed. (as if someone forced me to eat them in the first place). 

Kim who? Kardashian what?and what in the world were Gucci and Luis Vuitton?  These people I speak of have never even heard of those names.All they have ever asked of from life is to be able to eat some food , have a decent place to sleep, and ( for those of them who had some sense) get basic education at least.

These people are everywhere and they too are part of the world we live in.So much so that I'm starting to think that they are in the majority,

As I looked at my small friend with his bag of Plantain Chips, and his N50 breakfast, that Monday morning, all I could ask myself was " What have I really done to deserve the life that I've been blessed with?"

My Welcome Message

I have been writing ever since I can remember. I'm no Chimamanda Adiche, I know, but I do love to write.

Overtime I have filled my facebook page with stories and jokes and shared with my friends. Now I think its time to create a blog of my own where I can share my thoughts with my friends. You know we can all have fun, have a good laugh, or have something or the other to dwell our thoughts on, for the day.

Like I said before, I am still no Chimamanda adiche, I'm just a young woman expressing herself, but I do hope you'll learn a thing or two.

Lots of Love,